i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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