the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
