I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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