took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
