she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
