Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
