Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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