I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
