before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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