My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
