having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
