She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
