The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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