Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
