Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
