Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
