If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
