we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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