covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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