So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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