so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
