Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
