Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
