he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just googled if crying burns calories
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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