do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
