barbara walters just said penis...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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