I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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