He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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