Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just had sex on a roof
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
