why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
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Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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