You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize
