I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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