cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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