I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
