I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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