You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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