MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
