Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
