Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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