I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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