new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
