My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
