I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
