We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
