I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
