I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.