last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Those nachos came to me in a dream
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal