This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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