Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
