all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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