She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
