i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
did i walk over a car last night?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
