Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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