I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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