Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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