This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
