So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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